Tidings & Triggers
It's here, ready or not. Have you picked a 'holiday survival guide' yet? I wanted to write up a great list of self-care survival tips and ways to navigate difficult relationships we often encounter at these get-togethers, but about a thousand other experts beat me to it.
Although, perhaps what would make this holiday season better for you is giving yourself a little grace for however you need to get through it.
I'm not a Grinch by any stretch. Come Black Friday I'll be putting up my tree with White Christmas on the TV (then probably Die Hard) and a glass of eggnog near at hand. I love all that stuff, even though there are mixed memories that go with it. I even kind of enjoy the frantic holiday vibe at the airport. Weird, I know.
But I also know it's a time when people experience a lot of expectation--from culture, from family, and from ourselves. It's about more than how the turkey comes out or the best way to display guest towels. Old stories that wound us crop up as dependably as claymation reindeer. These are the very pages on which we've often wished to write a new story about ourselves.
But how realistic--and how helpful--is that expectation?
The Season of Expectation
Couple years ago a client was describing a private meltdown they had while preparing the Thanksgiving meal. A couple of things went wrong. They got behind. Suddenly they were yelling at the kids just for being there and contemplating spending the weekend at an undisclosed location.
Talking it through, we tracked the emotions of that meal prep back to the label of 'The Disappointment' they'd been wearing since adolescence. Every time the image of an ideal holiday slipped further out of reach, an old voice repeated, "I'm not measuring up. Again."
Messages both real and perceived had crafted something deep in the heart that my client was unknowingly trying to remedy in the splendor of a perfect holiday meal. No wonder there wasn't room for anything to go wrong.
In processing my own thoughts about that client's experience, I began to see how a lot of the pop psychology floating around in cyberspace could put just as much unhelpful pressure on us as the demands of the idyllic holiday feast.
You Are Every Age You've Ever Been
One holiday season a few years back I went back to see some family, fully expecting certain patterns to reemerge but also feeling armed with greater knowledge of them and more tools to handle it. Things would really be different.
And I was right: a familiar pattern did emerge. Someone busted out with their chronic drama-creating side and stormed out, and I was looked to for my established role as the one to smooth things over. This, of course, was typically done by taking responsibility that wasn't mine and offering apologies that weren't owed.
I froze.
I remember sitting there, angry with myself for not saying all the brave, boundary-setting things I had rehearsed in my imagination. I just knew that if I opened my mouth something much less constructive was going to come out.
Unpacking this later with my therapist, they offered what I forgot to: compassion for the young Mike who, having lived through those dynamics in the helplessness of youth, I dragged back into that place expecting him to perform.
My focus had gone external, seeking validation of my adulthood and newfound confidence in how I might impact others. This left me insensitive and uncaring toward the parts of me whose hurt were going to be uncovered regardless.
I realized too, that I had given myself the impossible task of upending the whole system myself, neglecting the fact that most of it was also about other people's stories and choices, which don't fall even near what I'm able to control.
Pain, if not given care, will demand it. If I don't have a wise and loving response for the hurting pieces of me, they will call on old, dependable protectors. Like the good old freeze-up.
Be Where You Are
If you can finally stand your ground with the person who's never respected your uniqueness or your choices, that's truly fantastic. If you're able to set a new tone in which you can move more freely and focused, awesome.
And if you just smile and get through it, that works too. As every comedy about a doomed attempt to pull off the perfect holiday will teach you, there are a ton of variables you can't control, and probably shouldn't try to.
Boundaries and mindfulness and all these great mental/emotional tools exist for your good, not to be obsessed over. They're not useful if they're just a new overly of the old, rigid system that didn't account for your hurt and your humanness. Holiday cheer isn't cheerful when it's forced, and emotional maturity isn't actually mature if it's just another impossible standard that leaves us rejected and neglected by our own inner parent.
So wherever you land on the spectrum from Bailey to Griswold, whether it's your time to make waves or just weather the storm, just be kind to yourself. Accept yourself (which is the best setup for accepting what else comes your way).
If it's the season of charity, recognize that it's okay not to have all your crap worked out, and that you don't have to be the paragon of mental and emotional health that literally nobody is. If it's the season of gratitude, be intentional about enjoying what you can and appreciating your ability to do so. And don't be the one who doesn't give you room to breathe.
And if you just can't do it this year, that's allowed. The one gift I hope you choose to give is not beating yourself up for it.
And I also hope you're surprised by a happy holiday.
Mike Ensley, LPC is a professional counselor and founder of Comeback Story Counseling. in Loveland, Colorado.
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