Why do I shut down when I want to get close? Why do I get defensive over the smallest thing? Why do I avoid people then complain that I'm lonely?
Why do all my relationships end the same way?
Have you ever looked at the course of your relationships and marveled at how your thoughts, feelings, and intentions don't match up with what ends up happening?
This is very common, and it's likely due to a defensive attachment style you've relied on for quite some time. We all have them, and they're not bad; they are protective parts of us that formed to help us get through the relational landscape which, quite honestly, is fraught with perils.
But a lot of times, these protectors don't know when to quit. They can't stop seeing the world through the eyes of old hurts, and they either keep us locked away somewhere safe but desolate, or drive us to desperate behaviors that don't ever go as planned.
Understanding the attachment styles at work in you is key to healing from relational wounds and experiencing more fulfillment in relationships.
Feeling Secure
Secure Attachment is that place where we feel like we belong in a connection. This can refer to all kinds of relationships: romantic, friendship, parent/child, even client/therapist. We have three vital ingredients (that each contain several components) that make up the experience of Security: faith in the other, faith in ourselves, and a resilient bond.
'Faith in the other' refers to a confidence in the other person's good intentions toward us. They mean to do us good. Also their capability of fulfilling their role in whatever relationship we have.
'Faith in the self' refers to our feeling worthy of the relationship, that we're capable of deserving of this position in someone's life, and that we're valued.
Wounds Don't Change Who We Are
Secure attachment is where we all belong, and where we want to be in every relationship. But life happens, relational trauma happens, and as we grow and develop, protectors emerge in us to help us get through. These typically develop in childhood as our relational selves--mind, emotion, and nervous system--adapt to our first relationships.
When we identify insecure attachment styles in someone's story, it doesn't mean that that's how you relate to people. It means that this is how you're likely to behave when you sense relational threats--and how you're likely to misread things as threats sometimes.
In the next post I'll talk about how our ability to experience faith in the self can be damaged in terms of attachment, what that looks like, and what we do about it.
Mike Ensley is a licensed professional counselor and founder of Comeback Story Counseling in Loveland, CO. He specializes in working with men, trauma, and attachment psychology.
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